One of my goals here is to try and encourage those who are interested in exploring within themselves, to do so. But, if like me, you've tried, only to be met with a series of defeats, it can be very discouraging to keep trying when something within yourself seems so against you all the time. It might not be during meditation, either. You might just feel it in general, when you try and breach your comfort zone even a little, something within seems to stand against you.
This is something that has been troubling me lately. There are so many things about me that I want to change, and I believe I can, but when I try to expand my horizons, it's like something within me pulls the plug and all of my hopes are drained away. I knew if I ever wanted to change, I first needed to find what it was within me, that stood such ground against me. Because whatever it is, it has to be within me. Both my potential, and my limitations.
I meditate everyday, at least an hour a day. Trying to go each day as deeply as I can into this abyss of darkness trying to find a scratch of light that I can work with. It's infuriating, day in and day out, finding some small sliver in the dark to hold on to, only to feel it evaporate upon leaving meditation. I've mentioned before this state that I seek. Happiness, confidence, energy, efficiency, etc. For a brief time in my life, my world did a 180, and I found what I've always known was there, and got a chance to live it.
Perhaps I wasn't ready, or that it was only meant as a taste, or maybe I misused it. Either way, it's gone now. But it did leave me with at least one thing that I didn't have before. I now know that it is possible to change. I have at least got a taste of what it was that I looked at from a distance, wondering what it must be like to actually feel what I've always believed was there. But this time the battle to reclaim it, is far more steep a challenge then the first time.
I believe in many things that others don't in this day and age. My other posts indicate some of these beliefs. However, when I try to more fully embrace these things, I am met from within by this resistance. A sense of rejection or incompatibility. I began reflecting on this resistance, trying to first establish where it was coming from. I suspected it was the subconscious mind that was putting up such a fuss, but I couldn't seem to get to it very easily to evaluate it.
One night, I was having a very difficult time getting to sleep. It felt like every time I got close to sleep, I would jerk myself awake. The first few times went mostly unnoticed, since I usually do that when I actually notice that I am close to sleep. But after a few more times of this, I realized something else was going on. Something was bothering me deep inside, and when I would get close to sleep, it would rush out, but when I woke up, it fled. I began paying attention to it more as I tried to drift off, when I finally glimpsed something very briefly.
It's a bit hard to explain in words, but in short, it was thinking, but without pictures and words, colors, etc. It also wasn't my conscious mind, because that part I could feel was almost asleep completely. Also, this thinking seemed directly opposed to what I usually think about consciously. There almost seems to be two minds thinking at any given time. Suddenly, it began to make a bit more sense on why I was the way I was with low self-esteem, poor drive, a bit lazy and I seem to love procrastination.
Your feelings are in many ways your subconscious self communicating it's views. You react, positive or negatively to situations based on how you subconscious self views you. Like it has this image or picture of you, inside and out, that is more or less it's opinion or belief on how and what you are. So, if you find yourself in a situation that challenges your comfort zone, your subconscious references this internal image of you to determine how to react. If you view yourself as weak in a situation that you consider strength to be of importance, then you will feel weak in that situation, because that's what the subconscious will communicate. Situations in this sense, can be both internal and external.
Changing this internal programming can be quite the pain. And if you want to change, but can't, it almost seems like you are haunted by that which you want to change. I think this occurs because you are consciously trying to push yourself to do something new, or even push whatever it is that haunts you out of your mind. In the first case, it never seems to work because no matter how hard you try, this change never seems to stick. In the second case, pushing things out of your mind only seems to bring these things on stronger, and not thinking about them doesn't seem to prevent them from popping in on their own when they please.
The subconscious pretty much runs your life from top to bottom. It covers everything from the potency of your imagination, to speech, movements (both conscious and unconscious), healing process, beliefs, actions and reactions, habits and, well, pretty much everything. So, in the first case, if there is something you want to change, it makes sense that it doesn't stick, if it doesn't establish itself in the subconscious to be expressed outward when needed. And the second, you can't push something out of your mind, you only push it into the unconscious, which like the first, if it is haunting you, has become apart of the subconscious expression.
It is always thinking in the background, even while your awake. Right now, you might be thinking consciously, but your subconscious is also thinking, hidden in a blind spot (metaphorically speaking) somewhere outside of your conscious awareness. So if you think about something you want, and then get a negative feeling, what likely occurred is that the subconscious is more or less disagreeing with that conscious thought, perhaps because of a past experience of some sort. When your conscious thinks one thing, and your subconscious thinks another, what I've seen usually occur is stress.
In this case, I think stress and tension are caused by a negative resonance between the two minds in disharmony. Just as on the flip side, if you have a happy thought, and also a positive feeling, this is because the subconscious mind agrees, therefore creating a positive resonance. The point would then be to get your subconscious mind to agree with you more often, so there is less negative resonance. But first things first, how do you get in contact with your subconscious mind? How do you go deep enough within yourself to find this part of you?
You've probably guessed it already. Meditation. It really is one of the most handy and universally useful practices you can do. Does take some time to get used to, to go deeply though. The simplest form of meditation is to aim for a place between awake and asleep (as mentioned in "The Magus of Java" a book I've read that is listed in the side bar, also one of my favorite books). A place where at least your awareness of your body and the outside world is gone. You are deeply relaxed, existing purely within yourself. It feels a bit like going to sleep, as you'll likely get drowsy, but that fades after some sessions.
Once you get deep enough, you'll actually notice you are near unconsciousness. Almost as if the conscious mind is asleep, and you are now dreaming with your subconscious. Thoughts and fancies may be occurring in what seems to be the background of your mind. They'll likely be gentle, but engrossing when you focus on them a bit. It is here that you can start working on yourself, but it is a bit tricky. My theory is, you've ceased your conscious mind's activity enough that the subconscious rose into the void left behind by the conscious mind, thus clearing a fog created by the conscious and it's activities to see what was lying in the background.
I will quickly point out that I don't believe that the conscious and subconscious minds are two separate minds, but the same mind sort of divided against itself. At first you may not be able to work with this background, and it might take multiple sessions for you to get familiar with this part of you. Like riding a bike, the first part is getting familiar with it, so you can work with it on a more intimate level. After which, you will find that you can more directly control this dreaming taking place in the background. Which you can use to then dream of yourself. Dream of what's bothering you, why it might be, and what you want to change it to.
When you begin to gently, and I stress gently, gain more control over the direction of this subconscious thinking and dreaming, you begin the process of self-reflection. Using it as an opportunity to see more deeply into yourself, and truths about you and the world around you from within. In other words, you can put something that bothers you in-front of you and then reflect on it, and if it really needs to be that way.
An example might be, if you are afraid of spiders, and you want to change this fear, you would go into meditation until you're close to, or even one with, this subconscious state. Dream up past encounters of spiders, or imagine factitious encounters with spiders. You may feel an inner response of fear from even the thought of them. First sit with this feeling for a while, and try to understand it, and why it is showing up. Then talk yourself through why you don't need to feel this way, and see that it is all just in your mind. If you let the meaning of your own words ring through to your feelings, you will begin to feel this stress lift from you when it comes to spiders. Each time you do this, you'll find that from the inside out, your reactions begins to lessen and lessen until finally you come to a point where your not afraid of them anymore. Your fears will seem to be replaced by an understanding.
This process I think can be used on just about everything that might be bothering you. When you get good and comfortable with this process, you can even go in and quickly change things about you without having to repeat the process multiple times. Because over time you have garnered a stronger connection with the subconscious, or this deeper self, that acts as a direct line, and you'll be used to doing these changes, having seen that they work and produce results that make you feel better. You'll find that there is less resistance from lack of belief that it can be done and that it makes a difference, and your subconscious may even encourage you to make more changes, so you can become the best possible version of yourself that you can be. You may even find that the gap between the two minds disappears entirely.
In closing, I want to add that meditation can and should be tailored to yourself. So don't be too afraid of messing around and creating your own version. It works better if you follow your heart on the matter. Let wisdom and intuition guide you in this process, and not only may you relieve stress and fears, but you'll likely get to know yourself more on the journey.
I'm not sure if this was useful to anyone, but I thought I would share, just in case.
Anyways...
I hope you enjoyed!
